I am the first person to admit how crazy excited we were finding out about our third pregnancy. I tried to contain my excitement, but after trying for almost a year with one failed pregnancy in the midst this felt like a miracle! I love this sweet little girl in my belly more than life itself, but this pregnancy has been anything but easy. Sickness, lightheaded, spotting, cramping, dizziness, fatigue, and having days where I simply could not function. Now I'm 24 weeks and up 30lbs. I really thought this pregnancy was going to be different... a work out nut, running almost daily, tracking my calories, and losing weight by the week
Then I got pregnant.
Burgers, fries, and pure greasiness was what kept me from vomiting basically the entire first trimester. I, like many people can not eat that way without packing on the lbs almost immediately. I have managed to level out for the last 2-3 months and have hardly gained anything, but the first 3 months more than made up for it.
And then there's sex. If you know me you know I do not speak openly about this subject. I am quite private when it comes to this matter, but this pregnancy has more than put a huge halt on our sex life. I feel like I have lost all desire to be intimate; I feel anything but sexy, and these added lbs makes me feel just plain ugly. I am so fortunate to have a husband that loves me despite my flaws and finds me beautiful no matter what, but it's so hard to be intimate when you don't even feel beautiful.
Thankfully pregnancy is not forever, and the real reward is when that sweet baby is born and we have the pleasure of laying our eyes on her beautiful face. My son has brought more joy to my life than I could have ever imagined and I can't wait for that much more love and joy to enter this world. In the mean time I will just enjoy her sweet kicks and keep in mind this is only a season. I suppose if anything this pregnancy excites me even more to be the best Alysha I have ever been... mentally, physically, emotionally, and spiritually.
Friday, May 3, 2013
Wednesday, May 1, 2013
Oh good... grief
March and April are so very bittersweet. March we celebrate my hubby's birthday... April is the start of Spring. But... there's always a but.
Beginning of March our second child was due to be born... 2 years ago on April 29th my sweetest little best furry friend of 12 years passed... And just a day ago on April 30th a very close and dear friend passed.
The loss of the baby was grief of its very own... unfortunately there was another level of grief to deal with the date baby was due. And somehow... every year for the past now 2 years April 29th has been an extremely difficult day for me. My child and my fur baby both had very large pieces of my very small heart... grief.
Pregnancy hormones are hard enough to deal with on their own. The grieving process is hard enough on its own. Loss is hard enough on its own. All of those at the same time makes for a person who just constantly feels like they're grieving.
It's only for a season... each year the grief will become slightly less and I slightly stronger. But I will always miss the child I never was able to give birth to, the dog that I refused to call a dog, but rather my baby for the 12 years he was by my side every single day, and even the friends and family that we continue to lose.
As important as it is to grieve, I'm just a little tired of grieving. I am blessed to know that I will meet my child one day, I will see all of my grandparents, friends, and other family members.. and who knows... maybe little Budster was a lucky one that got to go to heaven.
Joy comes in the morning!
Beginning of March our second child was due to be born... 2 years ago on April 29th my sweetest little best furry friend of 12 years passed... And just a day ago on April 30th a very close and dear friend passed.
The loss of the baby was grief of its very own... unfortunately there was another level of grief to deal with the date baby was due. And somehow... every year for the past now 2 years April 29th has been an extremely difficult day for me. My child and my fur baby both had very large pieces of my very small heart... grief.
Pregnancy hormones are hard enough to deal with on their own. The grieving process is hard enough on its own. Loss is hard enough on its own. All of those at the same time makes for a person who just constantly feels like they're grieving.
It's only for a season... each year the grief will become slightly less and I slightly stronger. But I will always miss the child I never was able to give birth to, the dog that I refused to call a dog, but rather my baby for the 12 years he was by my side every single day, and even the friends and family that we continue to lose.
As important as it is to grieve, I'm just a little tired of grieving. I am blessed to know that I will meet my child one day, I will see all of my grandparents, friends, and other family members.. and who knows... maybe little Budster was a lucky one that got to go to heaven.
Joy comes in the morning!
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